A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: "Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken."
"Okay," says her dad. "Where are you ringing from?"
"Fae my knickers tae ma feet."
"A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
"Comfy?" asks the dentist.
"Govan," she replies.
What did the male Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?
Oor Wullie.
A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of antlers?"
"Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter .
"That's affa dear," says the guy.
"Aye yer right!" replies the bloke.
Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.
After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
"And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.
"Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress."
Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?
Coo eight.
Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement.
Which one's a Musketeer?
The dark tan yin.
A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box. So he
calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice: "Is there money in the box?"
"Naw, it's just me," he replies.
While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband: "Do you think I' m getting a wee bit pigeon chested?"
And he says: "Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo."
What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo.
What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.
How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.
What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud."
And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."
What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly b*****d.
Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.
While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"
"I' d put him off at the next stop," he says.
"Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"
"I'd take the first two weeks in August,"he replies.
Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - Aye right.
A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
"What ' s up Jimmy?" he asks.
"Piston broke," he replies.
"Aye, same as masel... "
"Okay," says her dad. "Where are you ringing from?"
"Fae my knickers tae ma feet."
"A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
"Comfy?" asks the dentist.
"Govan," she replies.
What did the male Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?
Oor Wullie.
A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of antlers?"
"Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter .
"That's affa dear," says the guy.
"Aye yer right!" replies the bloke.
Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.
After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
"And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.
"Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress."
Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?
Coo eight.
Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement.
Which one's a Musketeer?
The dark tan yin.
A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box. So he
calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice: "Is there money in the box?"
"Naw, it's just me," he replies.
While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband: "Do you think I' m getting a wee bit pigeon chested?"
And he says: "Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo."
What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo.
What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.
How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.
What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud."
And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."
What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly b*****d.
Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.
While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"
"I' d put him off at the next stop," he says.
"Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"
"I'd take the first two weeks in August,"he replies.
Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - Aye right.
A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
"What ' s up Jimmy?" he asks.
"Piston broke," he replies.
"Aye, same as masel... "
4 comments:
We are frae Edinburgh – we don’t understand these jokes?!
Fx
Acouple of them are a bit obscure . . .
I've got my book group reading Kieron Smith, boy by James Kelman this month. Written from the point of view of a little boy growing up in Glasgow in the 1950s/60s - lots of dialect. Will need to get Glesgae-English Dictionary for them!
You might need Stanley Baxter's 'Parliamo Glasgo' books we used to have!
We really enjoyed the jokes.
Must send the one about the Rolling Stones to our neighbours in Cyprus. They are Liverpudlians living in Wales and Dick's party piece is "Wales is where men are men and sheep are careful".
XGD
Not long ago we had Mumbai Calling on TV (about an Indian call centre) and in one episode the Indian workers were having trouble with British regional accents so Richard E Grant played a hack actor who is employed to help them cope better. In a plummy voice he tells the workers that he talks as he does because he is educated and cultured and all things good. He then tells them that Glaswegians (using a keelie accent) feed their children exclusively on crisps and fizzy drinks and are not to be trusted, if they hear a Geordie accent they are to hang up immediately and that the Welsh are 'genetically doomed.'
Absolutely hilarious series, one of my favourite for the year.
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