TGIF - Three Men on a Hike

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, Violent river.Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'Poof! ... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swimacross in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice. After witnessing that, the second man prayed:'God, please give mestrength and the tools to cross the river' Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong armsand strong legs and hewas able to row across in about an hourafter almost capsizing once. Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligenceto cross the river' Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked onehundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge. 'If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!'

TGIF - The Broken Mower

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moral to this story : Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

TGIF - World Survey

Last month a world-wide phone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

• In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.


• In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.


• In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.


• In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.


• In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.


• In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.


• In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And Finally . . .

• In Australia they hung up because they couldn't understand the Indian accent.

TGIF - toilet humour

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine!'

And the other guy says: 'So what are you up to?' What kind of question is that?

At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. 'Can I come over?' Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, 'No........I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the guy say nervously... 'Listen, I'll have to call you back.. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!'

TGIF - Kissing frogs

This guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a little voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, “Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating in the water was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog spoke again, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

TGIF - Women who know their place

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before theAfghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land Mines."

Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):

BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN!

TGIF - Jokes only understood in Scotland

A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: "Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken."
"Okay," says her dad. "Where are you ringing from?"
"Fae my knickers tae ma feet."

"A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
"Comfy?" asks the dentist.
"Govan," she replies.

What did the male Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?
Oor Wullie.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of antlers?"
"Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter .
"That's affa dear," says the guy.
"Aye yer right!" replies the bloke.

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
"And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.
"Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress."

Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?
Coo eight.

Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement.
Which one's a Musketeer?
The dark tan yin.

A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box. So he
calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice: "Is there money in the box?"
"Naw, it's just me," he replies.

While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband: "Do you think I' m getting a wee bit pigeon chested?"
And he says: "Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo."

What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo.

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud."
And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly b*****d.

Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"
"I' d put him off at the next stop," he says.
"Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"
"I'd take the first two weeks in August,"he replies.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - Aye right.

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
"What ' s up Jimmy?" he asks.
"Piston broke," he replies.
"Aye, same as masel... "

TGIF - Worm story

For those of you who may have missed church last Sunday, here is a recap: four worms and a lesson to be learned!
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

• The first worm in alcohol-Dead
• The second worm in cigarette smoke-Dead
• Third worm in chocolate syrup-Dead
• Fourth worm in good clean soil-Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What did you learn from this demonstration???

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, 'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service --

Ikea announces its intention to take over GM and sell cars

We are in deep shit!

Evening classes for men

AVAILABLE NOW - EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN

ALL WELCOME

(Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants)

The course covers two days, lunch will be provided, as will instructions on how to take lunch from its packaging without a woman to hold it for you.
Topics covered on this course include:

DAY ONE
TOILET ROLLS : DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?

Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR

Practising with laundry basket (pictures and graphics)

DISHES & CUTLERY : DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?Debate amongst a panel of experts

REMOTE CONTROL

Losing the remote - Helpline and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS

Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down whilst shouting - Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS : DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?

Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH : BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST

Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?

Driving simulation and anger management

LIVING WITH ADULTS : BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER

Role playing and slideshow

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION

Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE

Bring your calendar or PDA to class, NOT your secretary

GETTING OVER IT : LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME

Individual counsellors available (male counsellors sadly unavailable-none passed training course)

Hurry and make your booking, only a few places left - Ian, Rob, Jamie, Dan, Ben and Xavier already signed up!

Zits was good this weekend

Click on the picture to see it bigger

Doing the washing

Must remember not to wear these knickers when I go sumo wrestling.

Must remember, must remember, must remember . . .

As if I don't have enough trouble . . .

when doors have just one instruction!

Lost in translation?

Our new library poster

Last week my colleague (indeed the Boss) sent me this joke in an email:

Voted Best Scottish Short Joke

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks,

looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

'F**k off, ye'll no bring it back!'

I'd seen it several times before so read it, smirked (again) and deleted it.

Said colleague has just been in to my office to ask me what the joke was about. She said she'd been trying to work it out for days.

Was it the Scots she was having trouble with? No. It was the rudeness of the librarian's answer!

Not like a Blue Mountains City Library staff member at all!!!!!

Chez nous

Every week the Zits comic strip features in our Sunday paper. The comic strip features an adolescent boy, Jeremy, and his parents. It is often spot on where our boys are concerned.

Here is the one from last Sunday which those of you who met the boys when we were on our big trip a couple of years ago might be able to relate to:


To be able to read it properly you might be better clicking here.

For those of you unable to follow the link here's what it says.

Jeremy : I'm home.
Jeremy then empties the contents of the fridge into his mouth.
Jeremy : I'm going out again.
Dad : Along about the sixteenth year, the pitter-patter of little feet gives way to the ransacking of the refridgerator.
Mum : I'd better not find any chicken bones in the shrubbery again!

Channel 6 TV News Story

Wanted to preserve this. Well done to GD and Shirley for finding it and passing it on. It was a hoot. Ishbel loved it and so did my colleagues - as Gillian said today we're (that means you Mum and Shirley!!!) going to have to work hard to top that next year.

Search on for Ishbel Colquhoun: Naughtiest Person in the World

Google launches new thinking person's search engine

Google is set to launch a new version of its omnipresent search engine that will question the cultural validity of people’s enquiries. Rather than instantly offering a comprehensive list of the most popular websites and images related to the keywords, the new version will offer its opinion on the subject of the enquiry and if it finds the request to be intellectually vacuous, will steer the user clear of the original search altogether.

Click here for the full article.

You may have seen this one before . . .


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, AFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.



DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck Babe!

Tech Support

Japanese banking crisis

Following the problems in the financial sector in the US, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal. Oh yes, and the Karma sutra bank is f****d.

(Thought I'd get a laugh in now whhile we can)

Amazingly simple home remedies

This was one of those emails that just tickled me with its simple brilliance and I decided to post it here rather than send it around.

1. If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! the blockage will instantly remove itself.


2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.


3. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat ~ use the sink.


4. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.


5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button ~ Jamie needs to do this. He forgot to set his alarm for work on Friday morning and even insomniac Me did not wake until 5:30 something when he had to be at work at 5:45!


6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives ~then you'll be afraid to cough.


7. You only need two tools in life ~ WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.


8. Remember ~ everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Thought for the Day: some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.