TGIF - Generation gap

The Generations

• The Silent Generation are people born before 1946
• The Baby Boomers are people born between 1946 and 1959
• Generation X are people born between 1960 and 1979
• Generation Y are people born between 1980 and 1995

Why do we call the last one generation Y?

I did not know, but a cartoonist explains it eloquently below...

Learned something new today?

TGIF - Three Men on a Hike

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, Violent river.Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'Poof! ... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swimacross in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice. After witnessing that, the second man prayed:'God, please give mestrength and the tools to cross the river' Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong armsand strong legs and hewas able to row across in about an hourafter almost capsizing once. Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligenceto cross the river' Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked onehundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge. 'If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!'

TGIF - The Broken Mower

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moral to this story : Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

Tall tales and true

TGIF - EU Directive No. 456179

In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2009.

From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.

Thank you for your attention.

TGIF - What's up Mac?

For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO : Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT : Mac?

COSTELLO : No, the name's Lou

ABBOTT : Your computer?

COSTELLO : I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT : Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT : What about Windows?

COSTELLO : Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT : Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO : I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT : Wallpaper.

COSTELLO : Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT : Software for Windows?

COSTELLO : No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT : Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT : I just did.

COSTELLO : You just did what?

ABBOTT : Recommend something.

COSTELLO : You recommended something ?

ABBOTT : Yes.

COSTELLO : For my office?

ABBOTT : Yes.

COSTELLO : OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT : Office.

COSTELLO : Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT : I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO : I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT : Word.

COSTELLO : What word?

ABBOTT : Word in Office.

COSTELLO : The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT : The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO : Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT : The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO : I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO : That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT : Money.

COSTELLO : I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT : It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO : What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT : Money.

COSTELLO : Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT : Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO : I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT : One copy.

COSTELLO : Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT : Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO : They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT : Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT : Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO : How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT : Click on 'START'. . .

Travel Advice for Australia

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins).

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. __________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not . . . Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. . .
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is . . . Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

TGIF - Nunsense

Three nuns were at a rugby final.

Three men were sitting directly behind them.

Because their head-dresses were particularly blocking the view, the men began to badger the nuns, hoping that they'd get annoyed enough to move to another area.

In a very loud voice the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Sydney; there are only 100 nuns living there."

Then the second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Tasmania; there are only 50 nuns living there."

The third guy said, "I want to go to New Zealand; there are only 25 nuns living there."

One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men and in a very sweet and calm voice said,

"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL .. THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE!"

TGIF - Questions you just can't answer

• Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?


• Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?


• Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?


• Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?


• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?


• Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?


• What is the speed of darkness?


• Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?


• Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?


• If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?


• Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?


• How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


• Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


• Did you ever stop and wonder...... Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'


• Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'


• Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


• Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?


• Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?


• Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?


• Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !


• If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?


• If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?


• If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


• Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on.......

• Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?


• Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


• Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?


• Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
  

TGIF - Cat found

This poster was put up by Japanese students and photographed in Brunswick, Melbourne :

TGIF - Technical problems

As the system administrator at work, I'm seen by many staff as the computer guru and most of the time just fudge it because they know soooo little about working computers so this struck a chord (click on the picture for a bigger look):

TGIF - Microsoft Support

We've all talked to this guy . . .

TGIF - new mouse for women

I was sent this by a collegue and I'm not sure I should be indulging him . . .

After years of research, scientists have discovered that women do not like the standard mouse supplied with PCs.

Scientists found that there is no physical reason for their aversion; it is more of a Psychological problem.Some women reported that their mouse 'just didn't feel right' in their hands.

Based on the research, a new mouse has been designed especially for women.Various field tests have been carried out on the new design.

Customer feedback has been positive:

Julie from Hounslow said: It feels so much better. More comfortable, more like how it's supposed to be.

Susan from Chelmsford added: I think mice were originally designed just for men, but this new type is definitely made for women.

Hillary from Kent said: It fits right in with my lifestyle. I took to it like a duck to water, every woman should have one!

Sally from London said: It feels so natural.


Of course, we need to remember these were English women responding thus.

TGIF - Big slip

How on earth did they get this right?

TGIF - WARNING! GRAPHIC BOATING ACCIDENT PHOTO

THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN WITH JUST SECONDS LEFT TO LIVE

TGIF - World Survey

Last month a world-wide phone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

• In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.


• In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.


• In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.


• In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.


• In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.


• In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.


• In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And Finally . . .

• In Australia they hung up because they couldn't understand the Indian accent.

TGIF - toilet humour

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine!'

And the other guy says: 'So what are you up to?' What kind of question is that?

At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. 'Can I come over?' Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, 'No........I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the guy say nervously... 'Listen, I'll have to call you back.. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!'

TGIF - Kissing frogs

This guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a little voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, “Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating in the water was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog spoke again, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

TGIF - Lost in Translation

This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US!!!

A few days ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Barack Obama... The instructor told Prime Minister Mori, when you shake hand with President Obama, please say 'how r u'. Then Mr. Obama should say, 'I am fine, and you?' Now, you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we, translators, will do the work for you.' It looks quite simple, but the truth is... When Mori met Obama , he mistakenly said 'who r u?' (Instead of 'How r u?'.) Mr. Obama was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor: 'Well, I'm Michelle's husband, ha-ha...' Then Mori replied 'me too, ha-ha.. .'. Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.

TGIF ~ An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, “You're in charge of sweeping.”

To the Scotsman he says, “You're in charge of shovelling.”

And to the Chinese guy, “You're in charge of supplies.”

He then says, “Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.”
So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, “Why didn't you sweep any of it?”

The Italian replies, “I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.”

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says “And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.”

The Scotsman replies, “Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither.”

The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, “SUPPLIES!!!!"